Phobias and the New York City State of Mind

psychologistmimi

Phobias are kind of fun. Well, except for if you are one of the 10% of the adult population that is estimated to suffer from phobias to the point that day to day life is impacted.  Phobias as such are quite scary.  I have a fear of flying but I still engage in constant business travel. I see flying as a necessary evil and cannot wait until teleportation comes to fruition.  Anyway, learning about some of the weirder phobias makes for an interesting morning read. I cannot but help to ponder what life in New York would be like for those suffering from some of these more odd and rare phobias.  More specifically, it appears that there are phobias that can be either mitigated or enhanced by living and breathing the New York City air.

Melanophobia: Fear of the color black.  Have you heard that grey is the…

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Strong Women Don’t Fall In Love

15 Signs That You’re Finally Getting Your Shit Together

Heres the checklist ive been looking for.

Lonely.

Breakups

Breakups: The Aftermath.

I don’t believe in love at first site or that you’re first love has to be your last love and most certainly that time defines the nature of a relationship.  However, I do believe in true love and that true love will always find a way. Its strange to think that the one, you know the one everyone keeps saying you’ll find one day, is walking on this earth at this moment, probably eating a sandwich. This person might be someone you’ve seen everyday at your favorite coffee shop but never noticed or noticed but never thought anything more of it. Until one day when  you looked a little harder and suddenly it becomes clear on why you still believe in love and believe that love will not forget about you.

I’m not sure how many times I’ve been in love but the saying, “you just know” has a lot of truth to it for me.I’m not exactly sure what love is or what it means to be in love but what I do know, is that there is someone I would do anything for.  I would take them back in a heartbeat even if they were to come back with no explanation at all. But I know they won’t. However, that doesn’t mean I’m not stringing my feelings along the word hope, hoping that one day the guy I love… will love me the way I love him.

But more recently, I just got out a relationship and this time it wasn’t love but it wasn’t just fun either. We were pretty new and  I assumed we would last longer.  Now, I’m second guessing myself;  wondering how things could go so wrong so quick.  In this relationship, I can’t accept the fact that things just didn’t work out.

    I am a girl but more importantly, I am human.  I am a hopeless romantic, which often leads to me to a major heartbreak and me crying about it everyday to my friends.  I realized that its not difficult to get what you want, but the difficult part comes from keeping; constantly making them interested in you.  I believe anything could happen in one day and I’m sure I fell in love in one day as well.   I live in the moment of now.  Why do we build our relationships off of well thought out responses? What’s wrong with being completely blunt and unfiltered about our feelings for one another?  Maybe that’s where I am wrong.

I’ve noticed a pattern in my relationships, it’s always the guy I barely ever noticed that I fall madly and deeply in love with.It was always temporary — for them.  I never had a prince charming come to my rescue, more like be waving my hands up in the air and shouting ‘notice me!’.

The thing was that I saw them at least twenty times a day, everyday. I had so many chances to get to know them and when it finally crossed my mind that this guy could be someone so much more than just someone I just know of, it was over before it began. I always fall a little too deep, fall a little too fast and end up being the weak one in the relationship, the one who cares the most.

And now I’m here; going over every moment, wondering how I could have misunderstood the warning signs and what my next move should be.  I am stuck in the middle of nowhere, holding onto my feelings as if  they are as worthless as a crumpled piece of paper, as if they never mattered.  It’s weird how now I can’t stop thinking about him and a year ago I didn’t even care to notice that his eyes are blue or that he has a birthmark on his head. At that moment I just knew, but I was too late. Once again the timing was all wrong.

Why is the relationships you want to work out the most– never do and at the end of them, you always end up learning some valuable lesson that would’ve made the relationship last a little bit longer and maybe I would’ve been just a little bit more happier. Even after all these heartbreaks and heartaches, I might have turned out cynical about relationships but that doesn’t mean I gave up on love and I hope love hasn’t given up on me.

17 People On The One Thing That Really Sucks About Being Single

If I Had a Dollar (Why I Am a Feminist)

girl in the hat

image courtesy Devil Doll

Because my mother was a painter and a beauty when artists had patrons and a woman like that needed a man to take care of her, so she married a money man.

Because my mother’s mother was a beauty and her mother was, too, and that’s what people said: “She was a beautiful woman,” as if that was the only remarkable thing.

Because I was born in 1966, the year Betty Friedan and others started the National Organization of Women and challenged an industry which required flight attendants to quit if they got married, pregnant, or reached the age of 32.

Because when my mother had me, she stopped painting and started cleaning house and throwing dinner parties and smoking too many cigarettes and crying in the mirror.

Because my mother never told me that I looked pretty because she did not want me to grow…

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Someone, Sometime, Somewhere

Lights In The Darkness

Someone, sometime, somewhere told you that you didn’t matter.

Someone, sometime, somewhere told you that you weren’t good enough. Actually, worse than that. They told you that you would never be good enough. Ever. They didn’t apply that to what you were doing; they applied it to who you were. It wasn’t a matter of your ability or your skill level of your aptitude for learning things. They made you believe you were so flawed as an individual that nothing you ever did would succeed.

Someone, sometime, somewhere made you believe you couldn’t really be worthy of love. Sure, you may have found love in different places or relationships. You may have experienced it on a deep and personal level. But you never felt like you deserved it. If anyone ever found out who you really were, they would take their love away. All of your relationships would have…

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confessions of an imperfectionist

almost open book

Right now, as you read this, I have a pimple the size of Texas hanging out on my cheek, probably because I ate an entire block of sharp cheddar cheese in a 48 hour period.

I still love myself.

Right now, I am writing this instead of getting dressed, hair wet, breath smelling like coffee and morning halitosis, because I haven’t brushed my teeth. I’m scribbling it on the back of a receipt, because I forgot to charge my computer last night, and because I can’t find my notebook.

I still love myself.

Right now, I’m 30, and I live in my friends’ spare room, because I am too much of a location commitment-phobe to sign a lease, because I’m terrified even one long term decision might result in losing my freedom, and because I’m afraid if I stay in one place too long I might become bored… or even…

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And Why Can’t I?

I don’t get why after a breakup,  I’m expected to act like I’m okay and that I’m not allowed to whine and cry about  it. My friends keep telling that it’s okay, these things happen and that sooner or later it won’t hurt as much. Well, I’m impatient. I want to understand and tell him how I feel without feeling like I’m coming off as desperate. I want him TO KNOW and not be alone in this situation.  Because every single breakup, I’m suppose to adjust, adjust to not talking to him everyday and adjust to making sure I don’t run into him in the halls.

The truth is, I’m not okay.  Sure it’s been a few weeks and I’m a strong girl who suppose to get through.  Well I’m tired of being alone but most of all, I’m tired of being wrong.  Wrong for having these feelings, wrong for trying to do something about it and wrong for making the first move.

Why can’t I ask my him to hang out, even if we broke up.  Why is that weird? I want to hang out with him, even if it to just to sit and breathe. And why can’t I be pushy?  I know I’ll never get an answer  if I just sit all day, waiting, and probably then I won’t even get a response.  I’m tired of people telling me I should just move on.  Well wait a minute, when did my feelings suddenly not matter?  WHY IS IT OKAY FOR HIM TO BREAK MY HEART, how come no one’s putting that into question? That all that matters is to make sure that HE IS COMFORTABLE and that I’m not saying or doing I’ll regret.  Well tell the world, tell them that Maggie’s crazy.  Good.  Its about time people realize that the people around them aren’t okay.

And why is so wrong to fall in love and say that you are in love but why does that only come at a time limit?  I’m that girl who might could not say a word all day but once it comes to saying how I feel, don’t worry I’m not holding back.  Why can’t we be in the moment and say how we feel.  And if things aren’t working out, why can’t we just talk about it instead of playing the silent game.

And DON’T TELL ME I’M TOO YOUNG OR I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M FEELING OR THAT IT WAS ONLY A FEW WEEKS. I understand that love makes you a little crazy, so I guess look at me being crazy. Don’t tell me things I already know because I’ve stood up all night and tired to figure out myself.

And after all this, I’m STILL suppose to accept the facts that things just didn’t work out, that we aren’t meant to be, and  that there is someone else out there for you and it isn’t me.  Maybe I will in a few months but right now I’m not there, So you could keep your generic love advice for someone else.  I won’t accept this faith until I know I’ve done all I can.

But then again, my feelings don’t matter. So I’ll become the good strong girl I’m suppose to be and act like you don’t cross my mind everyday.

I’ll wait for when our paths cross again and maybe we will both at better places in our lives.