Someone, Sometime, Somewhere

Lights In The Darkness

Someone, sometime, somewhere told you that you didn’t matter.

Someone, sometime, somewhere told you that you weren’t good enough. Actually, worse than that. They told you that you would never be good enough. Ever. They didn’t apply that to what you were doing; they applied it to who you were. It wasn’t a matter of your ability or your skill level of your aptitude for learning things. They made you believe you were so flawed as an individual that nothing you ever did would succeed.

Someone, sometime, somewhere made you believe you couldn’t really be worthy of love. Sure, you may have found love in different places or relationships. You may have experienced it on a deep and personal level. But you never felt like you deserved it. If anyone ever found out who you really were, they would take their love away. All of your relationships would have…

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confessions of an imperfectionist

almost open book

Right now, as you read this, I have a pimple the size of Texas hanging out on my cheek, probably because I ate an entire block of sharp cheddar cheese in a 48 hour period.

I still love myself.

Right now, I am writing this instead of getting dressed, hair wet, breath smelling like coffee and morning halitosis, because I haven’t brushed my teeth. I’m scribbling it on the back of a receipt, because I forgot to charge my computer last night, and because I can’t find my notebook.

I still love myself.

Right now, I’m 30, and I live in my friends’ spare room, because I am too much of a location commitment-phobe to sign a lease, because I’m terrified even one long term decision might result in losing my freedom, and because I’m afraid if I stay in one place too long I might become bored… or even…

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And Why Can’t I?

I don’t get why after a breakup,  I’m expected to act like I’m okay and that I’m not allowed to whine and cry about  it. My friends keep telling that it’s okay, these things happen and that sooner or later it won’t hurt as much. Well, I’m impatient. I want to understand and tell him how I feel without feeling like I’m coming off as desperate. I want him TO KNOW and not be alone in this situation.  Because every single breakup, I’m suppose to adjust, adjust to not talking to him everyday and adjust to making sure I don’t run into him in the halls.

The truth is, I’m not okay.  Sure it’s been a few weeks and I’m a strong girl who suppose to get through.  Well I’m tired of being alone but most of all, I’m tired of being wrong.  Wrong for having these feelings, wrong for trying to do something about it and wrong for making the first move.

Why can’t I ask my him to hang out, even if we broke up.  Why is that weird? I want to hang out with him, even if it to just to sit and breathe. And why can’t I be pushy?  I know I’ll never get an answer  if I just sit all day, waiting, and probably then I won’t even get a response.  I’m tired of people telling me I should just move on.  Well wait a minute, when did my feelings suddenly not matter?  WHY IS IT OKAY FOR HIM TO BREAK MY HEART, how come no one’s putting that into question? That all that matters is to make sure that HE IS COMFORTABLE and that I’m not saying or doing I’ll regret.  Well tell the world, tell them that Maggie’s crazy.  Good.  Its about time people realize that the people around them aren’t okay.

And why is so wrong to fall in love and say that you are in love but why does that only come at a time limit?  I’m that girl who might could not say a word all day but once it comes to saying how I feel, don’t worry I’m not holding back.  Why can’t we be in the moment and say how we feel.  And if things aren’t working out, why can’t we just talk about it instead of playing the silent game.

And DON’T TELL ME I’M TOO YOUNG OR I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M FEELING OR THAT IT WAS ONLY A FEW WEEKS. I understand that love makes you a little crazy, so I guess look at me being crazy. Don’t tell me things I already know because I’ve stood up all night and tired to figure out myself.

And after all this, I’m STILL suppose to accept the facts that things just didn’t work out, that we aren’t meant to be, and  that there is someone else out there for you and it isn’t me.  Maybe I will in a few months but right now I’m not there, So you could keep your generic love advice for someone else.  I won’t accept this faith until I know I’ve done all I can.

But then again, my feelings don’t matter. So I’ll become the good strong girl I’m suppose to be and act like you don’t cross my mind everyday.

I’ll wait for when our paths cross again and maybe we will both at better places in our lives.

Stalling.

Everyday I tell myself that I will go home and get my shit together.  However, that day hasn’t come yet.

I’m not sure how to focus when my mind keeps going in twenty different directions.  I’m stressing out on how I’m going to survive the next few months, this break up and how dirty my room is.  I’m debating if I should stay up all night, well actually I have no choice but to sleep only when I finish.  I keep stalling, it’s not that I can’t do the work, its just I don’t want to think right now.  

No matter how much work I have to do… my mind still finds its way back to you.  I deleted you off all social media, I don’t want to see you at all.  The only thing I can’t bring myself to do is delete one photo of you and delete some messages.. I read them and I thought how simple it was, I liked you and you liked me.  When did things begin to get complicated?  Maybe around the same time you started to lose feelings.

It is so difficult to let go.  Like I’m still in shock just how quickly things could go wrong.  It was going great, at least I thought it was.  It hurts because now I’m thinking of the thoughts you might have had during the whole thing.. I’m tired of crying over a boy, giving him the time of day.  But honestly, i don’t care what people think.  If I’m hurt, I’m gonna write about it, its my right.  I’m not gonna pretend like I’m cool with this, that its just another boy and sooner or later it won’t hurt as much.

Treat people the way you want to be treated.  I wish I could take my own advice because I will give someone the world and it hurts when they won’t even remember to think about you.  I need to realize that people who want to be in my life will make an effort and not rely on me to do all the work.

Tonight, I’m a quitter.  No longer am I gonna chase someone. No longer try to make a relationship happen.  I use to think I went after shy boys but the truth is I just go after boys who THINK they like me just because I told them I do.  Whenever I go after them, I always end up being hurt.  Why can’t one day a boy ask me out ON A REAL DATE and be romantic as hell. I want it to be genuine, I want to see that he tried to make me happy.  I just want them to show not tell.  I want something straightforward and easy to understand because I’m tried of these guessing games.

I learned that I need to be patient and just because someone seems nice.. doesn’t mean they are.  I shouldn’t jump to the next guy but I should wait. That’s the biggest thing I learned, is to fucking wait.  Wait, meaning take things sooooo slow.  I’m not saying that I’m only gonna wait for prince charming, I’ll still go on dates (if someone asks me out) and try things but nothing official because I’m not ready to be broken again.  I’m not ready to open up and let someone inside yet.  I’m not ready to fall in love again.  And if someone understands that, that would be great. And if they are still trying.. that’s when I know.

I can not stress the WAIT part.  Experiences are good, they teach you things about yourself and how you work but, I think I’m good for now.  I think I’ll just wait until someone shows up to my door with flowers.  That’s right, I’m going cliche.  I’m tired to doing MOST of the work, who knows maybe I’m just delusional and didn’t do shit.  But I feel like I did which means now is the time to make myself happy.  I will wait until the boy asks me out, if this boy cares… I would like a beach date.  Something under a tent and lots of candles and rose petals.  I want to listen to the ocean and look up at the stars and talk about everything.  I like kissing and hugging and I like being told I’m pretty.

You probably could tell how broken I am at the moment.  Well good.  Because not everyone is who they seem to be.

Whoever is reading this, thanks for reading.  I appreciate you trying to understand what I’m going through.

Break up Play List

Jessie Ware says it best.  Everytime I listen to this song, my heart breaks.  I wish it would speak to him the way it speaks to me.

Even though I was dating a cheater.. this song still speaks to me.

Sam Smith is killing it for me right now. I couldn’t agree with him anymore.

HAIM, Ooh girl.  I feel you on that one.

These are the songs I have on repeat.  I hope they help or speak to any of you guys.

-We are all going through some shit.

This Is Personal.

I can’t focus right now.  I thought I was okay, I thought I was strong enough to let go, I thought it would be easier.. but it’s not.

I really miss you and everyday it just gets worse.  Its so hard to fight back the tears and finish my homework but right now, nothing seems more important than you.

This breakup is personal.  It is so hard to accept that I’m not good enough for you, which is what I originally thought, before ANY of this happened.  I think at that moment, I shouldn’t have trusted my gut and shouldn’t have went for it because I think I much rather live with saying “what if” than “oh well”.  It hurts the most because I just feel like its all my fault.  I feel so easy, so available.  I really don’t know how to deal with my emotions right now,  I just wish I could erase you from my memory because I don’t want to remember the good times, they only make it hurt even more.

It hurts so much and the truth hurts even more.  I feel like I don’t really want to see your face and I hate that it’s so easy for you.  So easy for you to let people in and kick them out.

I guess theres never a “right” time to break up with someone, because you wait too long then I’d be upset that you led me on and if you do it out of nowhere, I’d be guessing when it went wrong.

It hurts because I finally opened up to the world again and thought that good things do happen to those who wait, I guess I just didn’t wait long enough or wasn’t good enough.

I don’t want people to pity me and tell me it’s not gonna hurt one day, fuck one day, I want right now.  I just want you.

I don’t want you to feel the pain I’m feeling or want you to understand my side because that doesn’t mean shit.  It doesn’t hurt you and doesn’t make me feel better.

I just wish you felt the same way I felt about you.  That you tried a little harder or at least told me how you really feel.  It might hurt, but it would only hurt once, a lie hurts every time I think of it.

I want to be THAT girl.  The girl who could smile on her own, without a guy.  The girl who could be strong on the inside, the girl who could pull herself together after a breakup. But I’m not, I can’t be understanding because I’m pissed off.  I can’t be just friends, I can’t be okay with this.  But I have to be.. because there’s nothing I could do about it.

Who knows.

Friday Night.

I love how easy it is for people to turn their backs on you.  How easy it is to give you everything and take it back without a second thought.  How easy it is for them to just you leave there.

I’m torn.  I’m torn between two parts of family and I’m the one who is suppose to keep my shit together. The one who is suppose to be the best friend and the great daughter.  The one whos suppose to never make mistakes and always be on top of her game.

I’m crying right now.  I am so sad and there’s other synonym to describe it.  I’m not miserable, not depressed, I’m just so sick of everything and everyone.  I just don’t know what to do anymore or who I even am.  I just want to find somewhere I belong, somewhere I could thrive and not always second guess who my true friends are.  I have absolutely no one to talk to, no one to talk to like that.  On a daily basis and always on a personal level in and out of school.  I want a friendship thats consistent and I haven’t found that yet.  Maybe I should just stay quiet and not talk to anyone.  Sit by myself and get to know who I am again.  I want to observe where I am because I’m so fucking lost.   I’ll accept the fact that I’m sad and lonely and make the best of it.

I just don’t fucking know anymore.