This Is Personal.

I can’t focus right now.  I thought I was okay, I thought I was strong enough to let go, I thought it would be easier.. but it’s not.

I really miss you and everyday it just gets worse.  Its so hard to fight back the tears and finish my homework but right now, nothing seems more important than you.

This breakup is personal.  It is so hard to accept that I’m not good enough for you, which is what I originally thought, before ANY of this happened.  I think at that moment, I shouldn’t have trusted my gut and shouldn’t have went for it because I think I much rather live with saying “what if” than “oh well”.  It hurts the most because I just feel like its all my fault.  I feel so easy, so available.  I really don’t know how to deal with my emotions right now,  I just wish I could erase you from my memory because I don’t want to remember the good times, they only make it hurt even more.

It hurts so much and the truth hurts even more.  I feel like I don’t really want to see your face and I hate that it’s so easy for you.  So easy for you to let people in and kick them out.

I guess theres never a “right” time to break up with someone, because you wait too long then I’d be upset that you led me on and if you do it out of nowhere, I’d be guessing when it went wrong.

It hurts because I finally opened up to the world again and thought that good things do happen to those who wait, I guess I just didn’t wait long enough or wasn’t good enough.

I don’t want people to pity me and tell me it’s not gonna hurt one day, fuck one day, I want right now.  I just want you.

I don’t want you to feel the pain I’m feeling or want you to understand my side because that doesn’t mean shit.  It doesn’t hurt you and doesn’t make me feel better.

I just wish you felt the same way I felt about you.  That you tried a little harder or at least told me how you really feel.  It might hurt, but it would only hurt once, a lie hurts every time I think of it.

I want to be THAT girl.  The girl who could smile on her own, without a guy.  The girl who could be strong on the inside, the girl who could pull herself together after a breakup. But I’m not, I can’t be understanding because I’m pissed off.  I can’t be just friends, I can’t be okay with this.  But I have to be.. because there’s nothing I could do about it.

Who knows.

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