Stalling.

Everyday I tell myself that I will go home and get my shit together.  However, that day hasn’t come yet.

I’m not sure how to focus when my mind keeps going in twenty different directions.  I’m stressing out on how I’m going to survive the next few months, this break up and how dirty my room is.  I’m debating if I should stay up all night, well actually I have no choice but to sleep only when I finish.  I keep stalling, it’s not that I can’t do the work, its just I don’t want to think right now.  

No matter how much work I have to do… my mind still finds its way back to you.  I deleted you off all social media, I don’t want to see you at all.  The only thing I can’t bring myself to do is delete one photo of you and delete some messages.. I read them and I thought how simple it was, I liked you and you liked me.  When did things begin to get complicated?  Maybe around the same time you started to lose feelings.

It is so difficult to let go.  Like I’m still in shock just how quickly things could go wrong.  It was going great, at least I thought it was.  It hurts because now I’m thinking of the thoughts you might have had during the whole thing.. I’m tired of crying over a boy, giving him the time of day.  But honestly, i don’t care what people think.  If I’m hurt, I’m gonna write about it, its my right.  I’m not gonna pretend like I’m cool with this, that its just another boy and sooner or later it won’t hurt as much.

Treat people the way you want to be treated.  I wish I could take my own advice because I will give someone the world and it hurts when they won’t even remember to think about you.  I need to realize that people who want to be in my life will make an effort and not rely on me to do all the work.

Tonight, I’m a quitter.  No longer am I gonna chase someone. No longer try to make a relationship happen.  I use to think I went after shy boys but the truth is I just go after boys who THINK they like me just because I told them I do.  Whenever I go after them, I always end up being hurt.  Why can’t one day a boy ask me out ON A REAL DATE and be romantic as hell. I want it to be genuine, I want to see that he tried to make me happy.  I just want them to show not tell.  I want something straightforward and easy to understand because I’m tried of these guessing games.

I learned that I need to be patient and just because someone seems nice.. doesn’t mean they are.  I shouldn’t jump to the next guy but I should wait. That’s the biggest thing I learned, is to fucking wait.  Wait, meaning take things sooooo slow.  I’m not saying that I’m only gonna wait for prince charming, I’ll still go on dates (if someone asks me out) and try things but nothing official because I’m not ready to be broken again.  I’m not ready to open up and let someone inside yet.  I’m not ready to fall in love again.  And if someone understands that, that would be great. And if they are still trying.. that’s when I know.

I can not stress the WAIT part.  Experiences are good, they teach you things about yourself and how you work but, I think I’m good for now.  I think I’ll just wait until someone shows up to my door with flowers.  That’s right, I’m going cliche.  I’m tired to doing MOST of the work, who knows maybe I’m just delusional and didn’t do shit.  But I feel like I did which means now is the time to make myself happy.  I will wait until the boy asks me out, if this boy cares… I would like a beach date.  Something under a tent and lots of candles and rose petals.  I want to listen to the ocean and look up at the stars and talk about everything.  I like kissing and hugging and I like being told I’m pretty.

You probably could tell how broken I am at the moment.  Well good.  Because not everyone is who they seem to be.

Whoever is reading this, thanks for reading.  I appreciate you trying to understand what I’m going through.

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