What I Wanted From You

My girl senses are kicking in.

I rely on my gut feeling a lot, so when I feel like something is wrong.. I’m usually right.  I’m the girl who doesn’t need a boyfriend but whenever I do, I am extremely invested in them.  I recently got into a new relationship and it is one of the first relationships where I feel really insecure about how he feels.  I’m not sure if I’m worried for no reason or I’m trying to find a reason why this won’t work to save me from the heart ache.

I’m having a difficult time fully committing to him, not in the way where I want to flirt and mingle with other guys but I’m having a difficult time bringing all the sides of me to him.  We are pretty new, only a few weeks and I’m not sure how much is TOO much. Is the honeymoon phase over?  I feel like I’m over thinking this.  The thing is I really want this to work out but, is it already over? Am I already boring to talk to? Someone you feel like YOU have to talk to because we are together.  Did we move too quickly? I have no idea how you feel because I honestly, I can only feel it when it’s you and I together, but I can’t when you’re surrounded by friends or over texting.

…………………………………………………………….

Its funny to look back at how easy and effortless it was getting into this relationship.  I wanted to be reminded of how much I mean to you, even if that meant only once a week.  I wanted to know the way you felt about me and if you’re still into me.  I wanted to feel like you’re happy to be with me and that I’m not some annoying clingy girlfriend who won’t leave you alone.  Let me know that I’m good enough.

I wanted to understand the nature of our relationship.  I am understanding and if you needed distance and space then let me know.  If you’re busy, tell me.  Remind me that you miss me and much rather be with me.

I wanted to feel like I’m more than just another girl. I wanted to be chased.I wanted to be together, not alone, that’s the whole point of this goddam relationship.I wanted to be proven wrong, that I’m just overreacting and we’re good.I wanted to stop feeling stupid for having feelings.  I wanted you to comfort me and care about me enough to answer my texts.

I’m not afraid of asking, I’m afraid of your answer.

I don’t get it.  How come all my relationships start out so well but, not even a month into it, something changes.  They start to zone out, get comfortable and forget.  They begin to think its okay to delay their responses, that I’m just another girl who doesn’t mind being played.

I just don’t fucking get it.  What the hell changes?  Is that not spending time together in person just makes you lose all your feelings? Why are you leaving me in the dark, just say it.  Just say that you don’t want to be with me anymore and the time we shared was fun.

Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me I’m overreacting.  Tell me you love me.

Ignore me. Forget me. Leave me And that’s exactly what you did.

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