These feelz

I don’t believe in love at first site or that you’re first love should be your last love and most certainly that time defines the nature of a relationship.  But, I do believe in true love and true love will always find a way. Its strange to think that the one, you know the one everyone keeps saying you’ll find one day, is walking on this earth at this moment, maybe even eating a sandwich. This person might be someone you’ve seen everyday at your favorite coffee shop but never noticed. Then one day you look a little harder and suddenly it makes sense why you still believe in love and believe that love will not forget about you.

I’m not sure how many times I’ve been in love but you know that saying, “you just know“, I’ve had my fair share of that feeling. I’m not exactly sure what love is or what it means to be in love but what I do know is that there is someone I would do anything for and I would take them back in a heartbeat even if they were to come back with no explanation at all. But I know they won’t. However, that doesn’t mean I’m not stringing my feelings along the word hope, hoping that one day the guy I love… will love me the way I love him.
But more recently I just got out a relationship and this time it wasn’t love but it wasn’t just fun either. I’ve noticed a pattern in my relationships, it’s always the guy I barely ever noticed that I fall madly and deeply in love with. I never had a prince charming come to my rescue, it was always temporary — for them. I saw them at least twenty times a day, everyday. I had so many chances to get to know them and when it finally crossed my mind that this guy could be someone so much more than just someone I just know of, it was over before it began. I always fall a little too deep, fall a little too fast and end up being the weak one in the relationship, the one who cares the most.

And now I’m here; going over every moment, wondering how I could have misunderstood the warning signs and what my next move should be.  I am stuck in the middle of nowhere, holding onto my feelings like they are a crumpled piece of paper, as if they never mattered.  It’s weird how now I can’t stop thinking about him and a year ago I didn’t even care to notice that his eyes are blue or that he has a birthmark on his head. At that moment I just knew, but I was too late. Once again the timing was all wrong.

Why is the relationships you want to work out the most– never do and at the end of them, you always end up learning some valuable lesson that would’ve made the relationship last a little bit longer and maybe I would’ve been just a little bit more happier. Even after all these heartbreaks and heartaches, I might have turned out cynical about relationships but that doesn’t mean I gave up on love and I hope love hasn’t given up on me.

 

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