I just need to clear my mind.

I have so much homework to do, I just don’t know when or where to start.  Each assignment isn’t a night’s work, its over a time period.  I just feel disorganized.  I need something to clear my mind.  I just straighten my hair.  This has been one of my major stress elements.  I never realize how great I had something till its gone, most of the time, its my fault.  I’m just careless.  I got a cheap flat iron which burnt off hair my hair.  Over the summer, it has been a process of getting it “healthy” whatever that means.  Its getting there.  Its so hard to pick a hair color that is good for you.  I wouldn’t say my hair is bleach blonde but its pretty bright, I don’t know, it likes to change colors.  My hair can’t look good unless its a day old or I put it through hell with all these chemical products and flat irons.  AGH.  I just want to wear my hair naturally and not worry about it breaking.  I’m scared. Also, I cut it, its taking a while to grow back.  Screw this white girl hair.  I have too much pride to get weave or a wig, I just fill like I did this to myself and I have to live with it now.  Why do us girls feel like we need to experiement with our hair!? Just leave it alone.  But I also don’t like when girls are like NOT willing to try anything to their hair, I mean everyone needs a little experiementation, right?  

 

Another thing on mind is my weight.  Yeah yeah, I know you heard these from all these girls.  But I just don’t feel comfortable in my skin.  I feel like I have to cover up when I sit down so no one has to see my rolls.  I feel like everyone knows me as the girl who is skinny or has a body or something like that, that if they still the truth, they’ll think I’m a liar.  I don’t know, I’ve just been eating my feelings away. I never turned to food for comfort but now its all I want.  In the beginning of the summer, I thought I was pretty good with my shape so I just ate & ate and didn’t see the results until it was too late.  I feel so fat in my pants.  The worst part is that my family is constantly at the beach.  That means my parents are ALWAYS on the look out for how my body is.  Its makes me insecure about it.  My thighs jiggle, their rub and the worst part is when I FEEL THE FAT ON MY KNEES.  I just can’t.  Not with this body.  Its goes up & down.  Ever since I remember I was never FULLY happy with my body.  I always make these summer plans of losing weight, but I just don’t know where to start.  I’m on a bump in my life right now.  I’m realizing how difficult everything is getting.  Every moment I’m getting closer to becoming an independent adult and its scary.  I finally see all the different directions my life is heading.  I need a moment to just stop, think about it and then make a choice.  

 

And I think.. what am I doing with my life?

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