Don’t you understand I’m heartbroken?

I’m talking about love. I would never expect to be in the same position as I was last year or the year before. Once again,  I am left to answer, unanswered questions, myself. Left to believe that it was my fault and to never see him again.

Let’s begin.  First off, I don’t think any women needs a man to be happy, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel good to have one to have a connection with.  I am still learning, very naive about relationships and  everything it involves.  Growing up with this generation makes it difficult for relationships to still remain romantic.  Honestly, I’m not sure where the love is.  It seems like every girl has a wishlist of what her perfect boyfriend is.  The thing is, that’s not love,  its an unrealistic list.   Another thing is that girls crave attention from boys who aren’t worth it or find someone just to fill in a gap.

It’s amazing how much a relationship effects and changes you.  Lets say your boyfriend is in into astrology, which you have no care for,  suddenly you are checking out a book on the planets.  Its an automatic response, you adore this person and adore the things they love.

Who knows how many times I’ve been in love, but I think I first fell in love in 9th grade.  We were both in marching band and we were friends but I barely payed attention to him. A few months later we were was at a parade, and I just saw him, just standing there and watching a drum-off.  Its at the moment I felt so choked up.   I didn’t want him to see me (probably because I was stuffing my mouth).  It was the way he spoke and looked so handsome with his dark hair and glasses.

Things were never the same for me.

Not sure if it’s good to go after what I want without a steady plan.  I mean, there’s no strategy for me, it’s somewhat messy and maybe a little too forward.

We began to talk and then a week later, he tells me he is going to another school.  Luckily, he’s not moving, but now I won’t see him.  Just my luck.  Thankfully we hung out.  We went to the movies.  It was the cold night of solo & ensemble.  I didn’t want my parents to know I was going to be with a guy because I knew they would give me a hard time.  So after a really confusing 40 or so mins, his family finally picks me up and we roll along.  We saw Extremely, loud.. something? I’m not sure nonetheless, it was such a beautiful movie. All though, I was more interested in seeing his interest in me.   Nothing happened, no “oops, accidentally  touched hands in the popcorn” or “cheesy over the arm yawn.”  It wasn’t about shoving our tongues down each other throats,  I could feel his nervousness.  I rather do nothing with him than be somewhere else at that moment.

We hung out once a month, for four months. I always had the best time when I was with him, but I was also worried about what my mom was going to do when I got home. February: the movies. March: bounce trampoline arena,  April: MY BIRTHDAY, at a restaurant   May:  His house. So many chances to put a move on me, so many misleading conversations. . . Anyways, some unknown event happened to him that made him stop talking to me and that was the end of “us”.  I felt so unwelcomed and  ignored.  I would continue to message him as well as reaching out to his sister but no luck.  Nothing is worst then not knowing why.  All those endless possiblities that never seem to have a stopping point.  I never felt love like this nor love that hurt this much.

It was right before the summer and I was  counting on all the days we would spend together.   Instead I waited for some sort of response or explanation, which didn’t come either.

Sophmore year had just began and I was still feeling the same way I did the last time I talked to him.  But, the show must go on and so must I.  There is nothing more difficult then acting like everything is okay. Before school got out,  I would talk about how great and perfect he is.  Now I have to face the music.   I was depressed over a guy that wasn’t ever my boyfriend, a guy that could care less.

The year went on, but the feelings remained.  His sister always posted photos of him. WHY IS HE SO ATTRACTIVE?! I was slowly losing my mind.  In January, I started liking someone new because he was funny and he filled in the gap.  It was okay, but to be honest, that shouldn’t have ever happened.  I went on a cruise for spring break, and when I came back, I had a new perspective on life.  That didn’t last long because I heard that (he who will not be named) ran away from home to live with his dad.  Just hearing that,I knew that  I needed to talk to him.  I need to know that he is alright.  Wrong move.

Talking to him again was just so natural.  I had forgotten how much personality he has.   This guy is my weakness. All his features are just unexplainably perfect, everything I ever wanted but never knew I needed.  I wasn’t looking for love but I found it when I was least expecting it.  People like this should come with a warning sign along with a terms & conditions.

It was awkward talking to him again.  I kept trying to get him to hang out since his school was close to my house, but he would make excuses.  We talked on the phone and we talked about the past.  I couldn’t help myself from falling in love,all over again. I soon started feeling like this might work. A day before Earth Day, we hung out.  We planned to sleep over since he had work in the afternoon, but he ended up picking me up at 12pm, in his super awesome car, (although I hate the site of it now).  We headed to the beach.  It was cute because he was so strange. He tanned with a shirt on, which was black.  It took a while to get him into the water, but finally he did.  And we kissed for the first time! It was well worth the wait. But the day is still young! Except for the part where he had to work, we headed to his house, where I found his dad. Talk about awkward.. anyways, they both look like Steve Carell in a way.  So he speeds through traffic to get to work, which is at a movie theater.  I didn’t want to go inside, I just felt so lost. I was in a city I barely knew.  I began to walk around the plaza, went to Michaels and Office Depot.  I don’t think I was ever so bored in my life.  Three hours later, I see him driving around, apparently he got off at 6 but yeah.  So now he gets the idea to go to MOSI for some space event.  It was so cute to see him so excited. I think I feel in love ten times that day.  MOSI was interesting.After the museum,  we arrive at his house and he finally asks me out.  Best first date ever.

That set off a series of amazing dates for about a month.  It also led to many days of being grounded, but it was all worth it.

Right before school got out, something changed.  He wasn’t “in love”  anymore, he was acting similar to the way he was the year before.  I didn’t want the same thing to happen, so I begin to ask him what’s wrong.  One thing leads to another and apparently we become “unfixable.”  I never cried so much.  It was the of the worst summer’s in my life.  Every time I was with my friend, I would cry and talk about him.  I felt so annoying & hopeless.  All I did was think about this guy.  It was summer which meant there was no school to distract me.

I began to question everything.  How could someone so perfect change so quickly?  It was my worst nightmare coming true.  I became a girl crying out for attention.  The only thing worse than having someone break up with you, is them having their last memory of you,you begging for them to come back.  Oh well, pride wasn’t the issue, it was insanity.  It was a hard slap in the face, the reality check of, “get over yourself, he doesn’t love you anymore, nor did he ever.”  How was I suppose to deal with that?!  I began jumping to conclusions.  He told me it was about his family.  I wonder if I gave it some time & space that things might have been different. I regret this.  I wish I met him when I was older, this is the one thing I wanted to work out so badly.

And here I am, junior year, still head over heels for this boy.

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